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Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball
GameRatio Review
XBOX |
View Full Game Info
Published by
Tecmo
Released on
2003-01-23
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| 76% GameRatio |
30% GR% Review |
Shay
Reviewed on
2003-10-31
Let me summarize my review: this game is terrible and I am being generous by rating it a 3. I rented the game for the sole purpose of bashing it, because I knew that any game based upon half-naked virtual girls was going to be as stupid as hell. You might think that I would be mad for wasting $5 to rent this game, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, my $5 bought some of the best laughs that I’ve had in a long time, all due to the extreme idiocy of this game. Watching the girls (airheads) in action brought many questions to my mind, the lead one being “Wow, did she just do to that tree what I think she did?”
Well let’s dive into the gameplay category, seeing as how it’s the worst part of the game. Oh wait, there is no gameplay! OK, maybe there is a little. But I’ve played games on my calculator that have better gameplay. Hell, doing calculus on my calculator is more fun than playing this game. The volleyball takes up maybe 25% of the game at most. The only thing you need to do is press A to pass, press B to hit the ball over the net, occasionally move an inch, and press A when your airhead jumps up to spike the ball (she jumps automatically). You can also move your teammate, which has no advantage that I can see. No matter where you put her, she will still miss and act like the world is coming to an end when she does. The next part of the volleyball consists of... oh wait, that’s it! All you have to do is press A or B and the bimbo will do the rest, bending in all kinds of ungodly positions to keep the ball from hitting the ground. The gameplay was intentionally made easy for all of the morons who would buy this game. Scoring requires either the CPU to stand and let the ball hit the ground, or getting lucky with spikes. I have determined that you cannot score until the game allows you to score. In other words, scoring is not based on skill. It is based on when the CPU will randomly allow the ball to get past them.
Sensing that the shallow volleyball part would not make this craptastic game worth more than it’s packaging, the developers wisely decided to add two other mini-games: the hopping game and a casino. The hopping game is shockingly lame and stupid (kind of like the rest of the game). You press A with three different pressures to jump across the pool on floating cushions. If you miss, you get to see the ditz fall in the water. The casino part is much more complex: you get to play poker, blackjack, roulette, and slot machines. You also get ample opportunity to waste all your hard-earned cash, just like in real life. I’d say your odds of winning any of the games is about a million to one, somewhere around that range. There’s nothing worse than wasting an hour winning bland volleyball games and then losing it all to the cheating blackjack dealer.
That covers the immense amount of gameplay in this “game.” So what do you do the rest of the time you are playing? DOA has a time scheme that is similar to Pikmin. Just take out anything that actually makes Pikmin’s time scheme worthwhile and you have DOA’s version. You have 15 days to do stuff. Every time you play a game, go to the pool, hang around an empty spot, etc., about a third of the day is up. It goes morning, afternoon, evening, and then dark, which is when you absolutely must, against the iron will of your favorite tramp, go back to your hotel room. During the day you get to visit a few different parts of the island. If a pair of wenches are currently on a beach spot, you can play volleyball with them, give them presents, or ask them to be your partner. If no one is around, then you get to watch your bimbo for a minute as she performs some ridiculous activity. Examples include dancing to the fire, swinging on a swing, practicing her deadly kung-fu, doing push-ups, riding a bike, and my personal favorite: scooting her crotch across a large tree branch. There are shops on the island where you can buy essential volleyball equipment, such as submachine guns, steering wheels, microwaves, and other objects that make me question my sanity. And of course, the swimsuits are the most expensive items to obtain. Want to see your favorite digital babe in a thong? It’s going to cost you lots of time, as well as brain cells.
Before I close, let me talk about a few other things about this game. First, the music is terrible. That is, unless you love music that the Disney channel plays. However, you can upload your own music to the Xbox and play it! That’s part of the reason why DOA is getting a 3 from me. Next, the graphics look pretty good. Now excuse me while I step back into reality and stare at some girls who aren’t composed of 1’s and 0’s. Third, since when did gophers start living on islands? Fourth, it seems really stupid to me how all the dummies speak in different languages, yet are able to understand each other. And why does the girl from the USA not speak English? Fifth, don’t give the girls gifts until you have read specifically what they like (game manual or Internet). No matter how expensive the crap is you give them, they just end up trashing it. I’ll end the review of this atrocious game right here before my IQ drops any lower.
Shay O'NeilGameRatio review by Shay
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